Fic: Christmas Special Night (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

[bookishwench]

Once again, the lights came up in Tony’s home theatre, heralding the end of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” and revealing the Avengers (and Loki) in wildly varying emotional states. Peter munched happily on a peppermint stick, Bruce frowned, Natasha stared at the now blank screen with a look of blatant surprise, Bucky squinted as though trying to remember something, Steve seemed angry, Clint blithely tossed popcorn in the air and caught it in his mouth, Tony had the expression he got when he was puzzling out something scientific, Loki’s mouth hung open, Thor beamed good naturedly while finishing a turkey leg, and Pepper scanned the room, looking from one to another with concern.

“I’m getting weird vibes. Did this go well?” she asked uncertainly.

A mixed chorus of yeses and noes filled the air.

“Oh, come on!” Tony said. “How can you people not like Rudolph? He’s an American institution!”

“I like Rudolph just fine,” Steve said. “He’s a nice little reindeer. It’s a lot of the other people in this I have a problem with.”

“I’ve gotta admit, you have a point,” Natasha said. “This was not what I thought it was going to be.”

“What did you think ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’ was about? A walrus named Pookie who’s indirectly responsible for the market crash of 1929 because he baked a custard pie?” Tony said.

Everyone slowly turned to stare at Tony.

“What?” he said.

“Putting aside how specifically random that was, if that’s even possible,” Natasha said, “I didn’t realize it was about Santa Claus picking on a child because he was physically different and not apologizing until he found a way Rudolph could be useful to him. Santa’s a jerk in this.”

“To be fair, he does have the reputation of being really judgmental,” Clint said.

“But not letting him play with the other deer? His parents being ashamed of him because of his nose?” Steve said. “That’s awful.”

“At least he learned to fly better than all the others and won the respect of his comrades,” Thor said. “What had been perceived as his weakness was his greatest asset. Was that not the point?”

“Yeah, that’s the point,” Bruce said, “but it’s still disturbing how much he’s persecuted because of his nose. I haven’t seen this in years, and I kind of forgot parts of it. Like the whole thing with Yukon Corne---”

“Is this why you called me ‘reindeer games’?” Loki blurted in the middle of Bruce’s sentence, turning his gaze on Tony.

“Yup.”

“My horns do not resemble deer antlers!”

“If you say so, Rudy,” Tony said, grinning.

“They are the sacred goat horns worn by all the Einherjar!”

“Designed in honor of your pet goat? What was her name? Moo?” Tony said, chuckling.

Loki looked like he was about to say something particularly scathing when he paused, obviously trying to remember something, then said, “Actually, yes, now that you mention it. I’d rather forgotten that.”

“I liked the friendship with the elf, though,” Pepper said.

“Yes, the elf who was ostracized because of his interest in,” Tony paused for a long moment before saying, “dentistry. I kinda think there were other things he was getting bullied about.”

“Oh, you mean because he’s gay?” Peter said.

“You picked up on that?” Tony asked.

“Sure,” Peter said.

“Tony, that elf makes Randy Rainbow look straight,” Clint said.

“Nothing wrong with that,” Tony said quickly.

“No, but in the old days you’d get a lot worse than being kicked out of Santa’s workshop if there was even the slightest hint of a rumor about somebody being different like that,” Steve said, his eyes downcast. “Jail or a mental institution were entirely possible. I’m glad Hermey got his dream eventually, whatever it was.”

“Yes,” Loki said, sounding surprisingly melancholy, “I am as well.”

“Okay, I get why Rudolph and Herbie get bullied,” Natasha said.

“It’s Hermey,” Bruce said.

“No, it’s Herbie,” Peter said.

“I’m pretty sure I heard both,” Bucky said. “The audio’s a little tinny in places.”

“Anyway,” Natasha said, “on the Island of Misfit Toys, the caboose with square wheels and the grape jelly water pistol and everyone else all have obvious problems, but what’s the issue with the doll?”

“Yes,” Thor agreed. “I could not understand that myself. I came to the conclusion that it was because she was the only female on the island. She reminded me a little of Lady Sif in that way, who was always seen as a bit of a misfit and had to withstand far more bullying than was reasonable.”

Loki took a large swallow of his hot chocolate and stared fixedly at the floor.

“Actually, I looked that up once,” Pepper said. “The doll is depressed and suffers from low self-esteem.”

Clint’s eyebrow shot up.

“Seriously?” he said.

“Really,” Pepper said, shrugging.

“Why do I find that really sad?” Steve said.

“She’ll be okay,” Natasha said, slugging him on the shoulder. “We redheads are resilient.”

“Did you ever get picked on for being a redhead?” Bucky asked her.

Natasha seemed to consider her response for a moment, then said, “I purposely dyed my hair blue at one point when I was a kid if that answers your question.”

“Blue!” Loki cried, looking appalled and tutting. “With your complexion, you would have looked divine in green. What a missed opportunity!”

Tony rolled his eyes and stuffed a brownie in his mouth.

“It’s nice that Rudolph eventually has good friends, though,” Peter said, “and the others stop picking on him, and he even gets to be with Clarice.”

“Yeah, it does end happy,” Bucky said.

“Except for the nose conundrum,” Tony said.

“The what?” Bruce asked. “Or do I not want to know this?”

“I’m just trying to figure out how a reindeer would wind up with a bioluminescent nose,” Tony said. “It’s bugging me.”

“He can’t,” Clint said. “It’s a story. Reindeer don’t actually fly, either, not to burst your bubble.”

“No, but I think the nose thing might be possible,” Tony said. “Certain species of mushrooms glow in the dark, right?”

“Yeah,” Bruce said uncertainly. “So?”

“So, what if Rudolph has some kind of fungus on his nose that glows?” Tony said.

“You think Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer has a fungal infection in his nose?” Clint said slowly as Pepper, with a long-suffering sigh, finished off the rest of her hot cider in one gulp.

Bucky squinted as though he were trying to figure something out, then very softly sang, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, had a fungal infection in his nose, and if you ever saw it you would even say it glows.” He shook his head and said, “A couple too many syllables, but you can fudge it.”

“Not in his nose. On it,” Tony corrected him. “I’m just saying it’s possible.”

Everyone looked at him with varying degrees of disbelief.

“What? That part of the story always bothered me!”

“Have you considered it’s just Christmas magic, Tony?” Clint said.

“No,” Tony said, folding his arms in a snit. “Flying reindeer and a guy who lives at the North Pole I can believe, but Christmas magic making his nose red is just a step too far. I have to draw a line somewhere and that’s it. Magic cannot make a nose glow.”

Loki shook his head slowly as though he were still stunned by the stupidity of mortals, then a mischievous glint came into his eyes. Immediately, the nose of every Avenger in the room, excluding Loki himself, began to glow a vibrant shade of emerald.

“What the--?” Tony said, grabbing his own nose. “Loki!”

But Loki, cackling madly, had already disappeared.

A stunned silence filled the room as they all looked at one another, their noses shining like Christmas tree bulbs. Slowly, all of them turned towards Thor.

“Well,” he said, chuckling weakly, “this is awkward.”

Bucky suddenly snorted with laughter. Clint joined in, and in a few seconds, all of them were laughing.

“Uh, Thor?” Peter asked. “Do you have any idea if this will be gone before school tomorrow?”

“Fear not, young Peter! The illusion will most likely fade long before that,” Thor said, slapping him on the back. Then he added in a mumble as he poked his own nose, “I hope.”

“You know, he wasn’t wrong,” Bruce said quietly to Natasha with a smile. “You really do look good in green.”

She said nothing but smiled in return.

By the time the snacks had been cleaned up, their noses had only the faintest bit of light left. As the guests left and the elevator doors closed, Tony gave Pepper a wry grin.

“Why do we do this?” he asked her, pulling her into his arms and putting a kiss on the end of her still dimly glowing nose.

“Because,” Pepper said.

“Hey, wanna see what happens with our noses if we go into a room and shut off all the lights?” Tony suggested.

“Like the bedroom?”

“Maybe.”

“Well, I suppose we really should investigate for the sake of science.”

“That’s the spirit!”

And they had a very merry night.