Fic: Christmas Special Night (Chap. 7: A Family Circus Christmas)

[bookishwench]

As the lights came up in Tony’s home theatre, the Avengers looked, to a person, baffled.

“Okay, this was nowhere near as bad as The Star Wars Holiday Special,” Tony said, “but I’m conflicted right now. Also, I want a candy cane, dusty or not.”

“I am confused,” Thor said, handing him a candy cane that had been hanging on a tree standing beside him. “Have I missed some part of your holiday celebration? Is it customary for the souls of the departed to wander about in people’s homes at this time of year?”

“To be fair, that does kind of sum up part of Dickens’s Christmas Carol,” Pepper said, “so it’s not without precedent, but generally, no.”

“Yeah, we save that for Halloween,” Natasha said, grinning at Thor.

“But Jeffey does seem to be having visual hallucinations, what with that and Santa popping up everywhere,” Bruce said.

“Oh, come on,” Clint chimed in, waving a cupcake. “It’s Family Circus! They’re just having a nice, old fashioned, kind of trippy 1970s-style Christmas with a little dash of angst thrown in.”

“I’m still trying to deal with them naming their dog Barfy,” Bucky said, looking slightly ill. “I’m assuming he has some kind of stomach condition?”

“Oh, no, in a wild bit of misdirection, it’s actually Kittycat who has gut trouble,” Tony said.

Bucky gave him a look like he wasn’t quite sure whether he was joking or not, then shrugged and continued eating shortbread dunked in hot chocolate.

“So, anybody have pleasant memories of a Grandad?” Clint asked.

“Mine died before I was born,” Steve said.

“Same here,” Peter added, chewing on a piece of ribbon candy. “Both sides.”

“I honestly have no idea if mine are dead or not,” Natasha said. “I’m not even sure who my father was.”

“Trade you,” Loki said very quietly.

“Our grandfather Bor was, ehm, problematic,” Thor said, looking uncomfortable. “He was killed.”

“Several times,” Loki added a little too cheerfully.

“By whom?” Pepper asked.

“That depends upon whom you ask,” Thor said, shrugging. “It’s complicated.”

“Everything is with you people,” Tony said, tossing popcorn into his mouth.

“So the upshot of this special is children suffer from massive anxiety over the pressure to be perfect at Christmastime while believing an all-powerful entity is keeping score, trying to decide whether or not they deserve a reward or punishment,” Bruce said.

“Are you talking about Family Circus or Dante’s Divine Comedy?” Natasha said, starting to laugh.

“Is there much difference?” Bruce said, shrugging.

“Sounds like growing up Catholic in Brooklyn in the thirties,” Steve said. “It was nice the little boy wanted his father to be happy. I liked that part.”

“Yeah, that was sweet, but are we supposed to assume that Grandad really did show up and clue the kid in to where the Christmas star was hidden?” Bucky asked. “There doesn’t seem to be another explanation for it.”

“Or was it in fact a vengeful spirit’s clever assassination attempt that failed?” Loki said darkly while stirring his cocoa with a cinnamon stick.

“Huh?” Clint said, gaping at him. “How are you getting that out of a wholesome Family Circus special?”

“The child nearly tumbled to his death on that oddly assorted stack of furniture trying to reach the box,” Loki said, nonchalantly sipping his drink. “Perhaps his son’s forgetfulness about where he put his hand-crafted star angered the old man and he sought retribution. This Christmas special is a hair’s breadth away from being a horror story if you look at it the wrong way. Or possibly the right way.”

Pepper considered this for a moment before saying almost desperately, “I liked the candy cane farm!”

“Know what I noticed?” Peter said. “The opening credits seemed like they were based on the ones from this really old show called Gilligan’s Island.”

Clint, squinting slightly, looked thoughtful before saying, “I can see that. I don’t know what it means, but yeah, there are similarities.”

“Also, the producer is named Edward Cullen,” Tony said, “so really, it could have been so much worse. At least the whole thing wasn’t sparkling like a glitter-dipped vampire.

“A what?” Steve asked, looking confused.

“Believe me when I say you can safely skip adding that one to your list,” Natasha said.

“But it does give slightly more credence to my theory,” Loki said.

“Well, I kind of liked it,” Pepper said. “It was sweet.”

“Except for the constant surveillance and the potential mental breakdown of the kid,” Clint said, “but yeah, otherwise, it’s cute.”

Steve looked a little wistful, and Bucky punched him in the arm before asking, “What?”

“Just thinking of people I’d like to see at Christmas who aren’t here anymore,” Steve said. “It can be a rough time of year sometimes. The mother was right about that.”

“Yeah,” Peter said, looking at him earnestly, “it really can.”

There was silence in the room for a moment as the truth of the statement hit home, each person remembering people they had lost.

“And I thought this was going to be one of the less problematic ones,” Tony said, shaking himself. “I’m starting to think the problem isn’t with what we’re watching but with us. Let’s get past this. I feel like eggnog. Anybody else?”

Natasha shuddered, sticking her tongue out, with Bucky nodding in agreement with her opinion, but everyone else seemed game. As it was, Thor wound up with an eggnog mustache, Loki took a sip and then poured his into a plant when Pepper wasn’t looking, and Peter, who had never had it before and was given a rum-free version, gallantly tried not to spit it right back out.

“It’s getting to be about that time,” Clint said, yawning. “Thanks for hosting again, guys.”

Bucky stuck one last cake pop in his mouth before grabbing his coat and Steve’s from the pile and heading towards the elevator with the others. As usual, the Asgardians headed towards the helipad and were engulfed in blinding light.

“Okay, babe,” Tony said, “I apologize in advance if I now wake up screaming at two in the morning with nightmares about The Family Circus, because honest to Pete, I am now creeped out.”

“It’s okay,” Pepper said, giving him a tolerant smile. “JARVIS and I will protect you from Barfy.”

“Promise?” he said with an overly dramatic shudder.

“Well, maybe,” Pepper said, winking at him, then giving him a kiss under a convenient spring of mistletoe.