Fic: Turnabout Is Fair Play (Loki/Tony)

[bookishwench]

“We don’t serve your kind here.”

Loki gave the idiotic woman a look that would have made anyone with a grain of common sense pass out in terror before saying very slowly, “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. You and your so-called husband need to leave. You’re both disgusting.”

Loki’s eyes swiveled towards Tony, who was lightly gripping his bicep as though concerned he was about to commit murder which, he had to admit, had briefly crossed his mind. However, they were here for a very important reason, and they really did need to maintain a relatively low profile so their cover story would remain intact. Admittedly, Thor’s suggestion that Loki and Tony pose as a married couple on a romantic vacation was turning out to be a failure of epic proportions. This planet, which none of them had visited before, was proving to be so homophobic that it made Loki’s skin want to crawl right off his body. Things were getting so bad he was starting to vibrate with rage.

“Come on, babe,” Tony said, putting a hand on the small of his back. “We can stay someplace else.”

The woman grimaced at the innocent display of affection and slammed the door of the inn in their faces.

“I really don’t like it here,” Tony said as they headed down the street towards another inn.

“Neither do I,” Loki murmured, making sure no one could overhear them, “but if the rumors of a previously unknown Infinity Stone in the area turn out to be true, we have no choice but to remain until we locate it.”

“I almost wish we were actually together,” Tony said. “I’d kind of like to start making out with you right now in the middle of the town square on general principle.”

“Charming little world,” Loki agreed, disdain dripping from his words as he ignored the way his heart sped up at the picture Tony had painted. He eyed a poster tacked to a shop’s door that read “Not het? Not welcome!” in eye-searing orange. “How long do we need to stay in this cesspool?”

“Bruce said he tracked the weird power signature to a forest ten miles from here, but those gigantic hornet-skunk hybrid thingies, whaddaya call them?”

“Sneraks, I believe he said.”

“Yeah, if he’s right and they come out every night, they’re due to make their appearance in only an hour. We’d never make it into the forest and out again in time,” Tony said.

“I could,” Loki said with a sniff.

“Fine, you could teleport us to the general area, Mr. Magicpants. That doesn’t change the fact we don’t have an exact location, so there’s no telling how long it would take to find the stupid thing, and besides, something’s got to be protecting it,” Tony said. “I want to walk out of here in one piece with it.”

“I still do not see how one of your suits wouldn’t be up to the task of defending against the local wildlife,” Loki said.

“Oh, give me a little time and I guarantee I could come up with something, but right now I don’t have a suit that’s impervious to three-foot long radioactive stingers that release corrosive acid that smells like hell got in a fight with a garbage truck and lost,” Tony said. “Here’s another place. Come on. We need cover, and we’re running out of options.”

Unfortunately, this establishment proved just as bigoted as the last one, and so did the next, and the next. On their sixth try, an innkeeper’s assistant took pity on them since the protective shutters were about to be closed for the night, leaving anyone outside at the mercy of the sneraks. They found themselves wedged under a stairway in a tiny room that smelled like stale prunes.

“Oh, look, we got Harry Potter’s old room,” Tony deadpanned, dropping his travel bag on the dusty floor as Loki locked and warded the door.

The décor was sparse. A rickety washstand was stuck in one corner, a hook hung at a deranged angle on the back of the door, and the bed was only a musty cushion thrown haphazardly on the floor. It was so small that Loki suspected it had originally been intended as a dog bed, and not for a very large breed at that.

“Even you aren’t short enough to sleep on that thing comfortably,” he said, and Tony snorted.

“Can’t your magic do something?”

“I may possibly be able to kill off the undoubtedly enormous quantity of insects in this room, or at least stun them for several hours, but even if I make that thing the size of the entire room, it would still be inadequate,” Loki said, sighing. “Still, for what it’s worth—”

He sent a jet of green light at the bed, and it gave a tired sort of shrug, flopping around on the floor and gradually expanding to reach the corners of the room.

“Thanks, Lokes,” Tony said, collapsing onto the cushion and patting the spot next to him playfully. “Don’t be shy, puddin’. Cuddle up.”

Loki gritted his teeth and silently vowed to punish Thor thoroughly. What had he ever done to have exactly what he wanted dangled before him and yet completely out of reach? Surely, nothing. Well, perhaps the occasional stabbing. And the one attempt at overthrowing the throne. Lying about Odin’s death? Invading New York? That time he set fire to Thor’s cloak while Thor was still wearing it?

No, nothing he could think of was enough to justify having to lie beside Tony Stark, the man he had been silently obsessing about for months, yet never feel his touch. He gingerly laid down along the edge of what passed for a bed, which shoved his face right against the mildewed plaster wall, twisted himself away from Tony, and gruffly bid him, “Goodnight.”

“Night,” Tony replied, and then fell asleep within literally thirty seconds.

Loki stared at the wall, wondering if the monstrous beasts wandering about in the dark were really worse than his current situation. He listened to the slow, deep breaths of his mortal bedmate, trying to match them in an effort to lull himself to sleep, but it didn’t work. Instead, Loki remained perfectly still and mentally went through the names of all the planets in the Nine Realms and their capitals, spelling them backward. He had just succeeded in reversing Niflheim into Miehlfin when Tony abruptly rolled over, draping an arm around his chest and pasting himself to Loki’s back.

“Tony?” Loki asked in a quiet but surprisingly high-pitched whisper. “Move?”

But the engineer slumbered on, an impressive snore rumbling against Loki’s ear.

Loki whimpered weakly, hoping daylight would show up soon.

The hours passed, and Loki learned that Tony was a very restless sleeper. By dawn, he had been kicked in the shins three times, had drool decorating his shoulder, and was nursing a sore kidney from one of Tony’s kneecaps. His mood was already foul when Tony finally yawned and rolled over onto his back, his hands playing absently with Loki’s hair.

“May I request that you move before I cease breathing entirely?” Loki ground out in a cold voice.

“Hmm? S’early,” Tony replied, burrowing back into what passed for a pillow in the rattrap of an inn. “Was havin’ a nice dream.”

“In this place?” Loki asked. “I should have thought nightmares come complimentary with the room.”

Tony wiggled into the blanket again, obviously not entirely awake yet, then mumbled, “Bout you. Holdin’ you. Woke up and it was true. Good dream.”

Loki froze as Tony hummed drowsily and snuggled close again. Granted, the ramblings of someone just waking up and probably not yet aware of what he was doing were far from trustworthy, but it was still unexpected.

“Ehm, Tony?” Loki said quietly, but there was no reply. “Tony?”

Nothing.

“Anthony?” he tried again more loudly. Finally, when there was no reaction aside from Tony quietly whining and nestling even closer into his back, he yelled, “ANTHONY EDWARD STARK, WAKE UP!”

Tony’s immediate reaction was to sit bolt upright with a look of fear plastered on his face and respond, “Yessir!”

Loki winced in mild guilt, then said, “There’s no need for alarm. It’s only me. You were just becoming a bit… overly friendly in your sleep.”

It was Tony’s turn to look guilty as he awkwardly stood up and began toeing on his shoes.

“Sorry. It wasn’t intentional,” he said, then shrugged. “At least not purposely intentional. Subconsciously, though? That’s a whole different story.”

“Wait, what?” Loki asked.

“I do find you attractive,” Tony admitted. “Then again, a lamppost would find you attractive, so I’m sure it’s not unique reaction.”

“True enough,” Loki said, smiling slightly as he began to realize his hopes were becoming far more possible. “Still, I do not believe a lamppost would have a desire to entwine itself around me as you did.”

“Again, I apologize.”

“Please don’t.”

“I won’t. Seriously, if we ever have to spend a night in the same bed again, I swear I’m not going to put on a repeat performance, even if I have to tie myself down.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Loki said, quirking an eyebrow at him in amusement, “though I’m finding that image rather intriguing.”

“Wait, you meant I don’t have to apologize?” Tony asked, starting to grin.

“Precisely,” his own smile growing equally wide.

“Huh,” Tony said. “Normally I’d suggest dinner at this point, but since we are, first, stuck in the not-so-magical land of Rampant Homophobia and, second, supposed to be on a mission, can I ask for a rain check?”

“Given gladly,” Loki said.

“Perfect. You’ve just thrown in extra motivation for me to get us out of here even faster than I was already intending,” Tony said, giving him a wink as Loki pulled on his boots.

Less than three minutes later, the employee who had covertly given them a spot to shelter from the crazed local wildlife for the night had cautiously ushered them out a side door and pointed them towards the correct road into the forest.

“We will not forget your kindness,” Loki assured him, then followed Tony into the dense underbrush.

Three hours later, they came stumbling back out of the woods again, their clothes singed and their faces filthy, but they were also clutching a small leather bag between them. What it held was not, as it turned out, an Infinity Stone. It was, however, a mystical gem that could easily have been mistaken for one by the untrained eye. The small stone changed color constantly, cycling through the entire rainbow, and gave off a golden glow. However, Tony was giving a side-eye to Loki and squinting at the bag suspiciously.

“I don’t believe it,” he said. “You’re making this up.”

“I assure you, I’m not. Your culture somewhat twisted the details in the retelling, as usual, but what we’re holding is a luck stone,” Loki said.

“And it’s the basis for the whole idea of a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow,” Tony said, still sounding suspicious.

“In essence, yes,” Loki said.

“Prove it,” Tony said.

“Fine,” Loki said. “Take your hand from the bag so it acknowledges me as its master for the moment.”

Tony drummed his fingers reluctantly on the leather, then released it, letting Loki hold it between both of his hands. The bag glowed brightly, and he took the stone out, cradling it gently in his palm.

“I ask for luck to be given to all in this place as each has earned for their hospitality towards us,” he said clearly, and the stone responded, turning a brilliant shade of emerald as if agreeing.

At first, nothing seemed to happen. The change was barely perceptible, but slowly, the clouds over the town started to darken. A few spatters of rain began to fall, then larger and larger drops until finally a full storm was rolling through the town, complete with lightning, hail, and thunder.

“This hasn’t got anything to do with your brother, does it?” Tony asked, who noticed that a single patch of perfectly clear weather had focused itself on him and Loki so they weren’t getting even slightly damp.

“No. For once, Thor is not responsible,” Loki said.

“So what’s with the rain?” Tony asked.

“I’ve no idea. The stone is deciding what happens. I have no further say in the matter past making the wish. It decides how best to proceed.”

“Uh, doesn’t letting a powerful semi-sentient rock do anything it wants seem kind of dangerous?” Tony asked warily, glancing around at the people dodging the raindrops and dashing into the various buildings.

“Perhaps,” Loki said with a shrug. “I’m curious what the outcome will be, though. Also, I’m not sure it’s wise to refer to a luck stone as semi-sentient. There’s nothing semi about it, and it may take offense.”

“Great,” Tony said, noting a wind was starting to kick up. “Maybe I should set it up with JARVIS. They sound like they’d get along.”

“Actually, now that you mention it, they probably would,” Loki said, looking up into the sky, which was now a roiling mass of dark clouds.

The wind had become so strong that the rain was nearly horizontal. By this point, every person in town, except for Loki and Tony, had taken shelter inside one or another of the buildings. Several of them were pressing their faces against windows, scanning the odd scene with looks of confusion. Bits of debris were slamming into walls, and then, quite suddenly, with one mighty gust of wind, several buildings began shivering violently. At exactly the same moment, all four walls of each of the buildings fell outward, leaving the corner posts and roofs standing by themselves with their stunned inhabitants still inside, staring and slack-jawed.

Almost at once, the wind died down to nothing. One of the few buildings still intact was the inn that Loki and Tony had slept in the previous night. The sign from one of the other establishments that they had noticed earlier was now plastered to the front door, though part of one corner had broken off so it now read “Not het? Welcome!” Even more extraordinary, when the assistant there who had offered them refuge walked out the front door to survey the damage, a rainbow abruptly appeared, ending right at his feet, highlighting a large, flat rock. He looked over at Loki and Tony, who both shrugged. Not sure what else to do, he grabbed the edge of the stone and flipped it over. Underneath was the top of an old wooden box, and inside was a small fortune in gems.

“Finder keepers, I believe the rule is,” Loki said as the assistant’s mouth dropped open. “I did say we would not forget you.”

“Yeah, and not only that, the inn should have a whole slew of customers tonight,” Tony pointed out. “The sneraks are coming.”

“Yes, quite,” Loki said, looking around. “I suppose they’ll need to find shelter somewhere, not that they offered us any help when we had need.”

Realizing he was right, the rest of the town’s inhabitants immediately ran towards the sole remaining inn, offering immense sums of gold in return for a place to stay for the night. Loki rolled his eyes as the assistant took pity on them and let them in.

“As you can see,” he said to Tony, “I wasn’t lying about the luck stone.”

“Obviously not. And neither was I earlier.”

“About what?” he asked.

“About wishing we really were together so we could make out in the middle of the town square just to annoy everyone,” Tony said, grinning.

“Oh, weren’t you?” Loki said, his eyes twinkling with delight. “Shall we then?”

“It’s going to get Thor mad if we’re late getting back with this thing.”

“Really, Anthony, there’s no need to make your proposal even more enticing than it already is,” Loki said, laughing and wrapping his arms around him so they could have their first proper kiss.

They were indeed late in returning, but Thor wasn’t angry at all, especially since it was what he had planned all along.