Fic: God of Grammar (MCU)

[bookishwench]

“Okay, I give up. I have no self-control, which all of you already know, and it might be rude or start an intergalactic incident or something, but it’s bugging me too much not to ask,” Tony said, setting down his empty glass on the bar in his home.

Several of the Avengers were lying around the living room of Tony Stark’s apartment in Stark Tower, all of them at various levels of exhaustion. Clint was draped over an over-stuffed couch like all of his bones had been removed. Bruce, still recovering from turning into the Hulk to battle an alien invasion, was nursing a mug of hot cocoa while sitting on the floor and slouching against an ottoman. Steve and Natasha were silently playing chess on the coffee table, though anyone paying attention would have noticed they were making beginner mistakes because they were so tired. Thor was lying on a rug in front of the fireplace, the empty wrappers from nine Big Macs scattered around him after his post-battle feast.

And then there was Loki. He had been forced to join the Avengers under his brother’s watchful eye over six months ago, and while he was mouthy, cantankerous, and conceited, he’d also proven to be remarkably good in battle. Currently, his horned helmet was crooked, and he was watching the others with unfocused eyes from his spot in a chair by the fire.

“Intergalactic, say you?” Thor said, making the effort to lift his head. “I take it this involves Asgard then.”

“You take it right,” Tony said, slipping off his shoes and spinning around to face him on his barstool. “You’re the god of thunder, right?”

“This is true,” Thor said, nodding. “I can and do control storms, tempests, lightning, and thunder at will.”

“Uh-huh,” Tony said. “Okay, I wouldn’t believe that if I hadn’t seen it, but I have, so there has to be something going on there. Not sure what yet, but there has to be a logical explanation.”

“As you wish, friend Tony,” Thor said, his eyes twinkling in amusement. “But was this your ‘intergalactic incident’?”

“No,” Tony said. “See, I can understand why being in charge of storms is useful.”

“Very,” Thor said solemnly.

“But I can’t get why you’ve got a god of lies,” Tony said.

Thor chuckled, and Loki appeared to pull himself back to active consciousness when he heard his name come up, though he didn’t do anything other than scratch his head and turn his gaze on Tony.

“I suppose it is odd and perhaps even rather an indecorous scope of influence, but I assure you, Loki has earned the title. You can ask any of many, many beings who can attest to its accuracy,” Thor said as Loki nodded and mustered a tired grin.

By this point, the others had started paying more attention. Clint hadn’t actually moved, but his eyes were open now, and Steven and Natasha had paused in their game to look up curiously.

“Also mischief, isn’t it?” Bruce managed to say.

“Yes, I am indeed associated with both mischief and lies,” Loki said. “It’s a rather useful pair.”

“Yeah, I guess I can see that if you were a lawyer or worked in Washington or something, but is either of those really a good thing among you space Viking people?” Tony said.

“Why would it not be?” Thor asked, sounding just the slightest bit defensive of his younger brother.

“They’re puritanical, Thor,” Loki said, waving his hand as though Tony’s comment was nothing at all. “This whole planet is. I have come to the conclusion that they can’t help it.”

Tony laughed before shaking his head and saying, “If there’s one thing I haven’t been called before, it’s puritanical.”

“So why are you so stunned by mischief and lies?” Loki asked.

“It’s just odd,” Tony said. “Why not god of the ocean or flying or war or something?” Tony said.

“That last one is Lady Sif, and she would not take well to having her domain usurped,” Thor said.

“Okay, so Loki just got the leftovers then?” Tony said. “All the good stuff was already taken?”

Loki snorted then said, “Stark, I am perfectly happy with my title.”

Meanwhile, Bruce had seemed to wake up even more and was tipping his head as though he were considering something.

“Okay, this might be a dumb question, but do you guys speak English?” Bruce asked.

“Buddy, you need a nap,” Clint said, chuckling. “What do you think we’re speaking in right now? Japanese? Ancient Egyptian? The Black Speech of Mordor?”

“Leave it to Legolas over here to make a Lord of the Rings reference,” Tony said. “What are you getting at, Brucie baby?”

“No, just, you’re using Allspeak or something, right?” Bruce said.

“You are correct,” Thor said. “I speak neither English nor any other Earth language. My brother and I are conversing with you in Asgardian, and you hear it in your tongue. Likewise, we hear you speak in Asgardian.”

“Really?” Natasha said. “Why am I not hearing Russian then?”

Loki turned to her and said something incomprehensible to everyone else.

“Okay, that was really rude,” she said, taking Steve’s rook, “but also fairly funny and accurate, so I’ll let it slide.”

“Why do you ask?” Thor said to Bruce.

“No, it’s just, I’m wondering how good the translation is,” Bruce said. “Maybe mischief and lies isn’t the best way of putting it.”

“Like running something through Google Translate and having it come out weird,” Clint said, “which it almost always does.”

“I assure you, the Allspeak is very effective,” Thor said.

“Okay, so, just to see,” Tony said, “can you give us a synonym for mischief?”

“Trouble-making?” Thor suggested. “Naughty? Being a prankster?”

“Nope, all spot-on,” Tony said. “Nothing weird there.”

“What about lies?” Steve asked.

Thor looked a bit surprised, then said, “Copulation would be a delicate way to put it, I suppose.”

“See, nothing wei—Wait, what?” Tony asked.

“My brother is the god of lies,” Thor said, shrugging. “I am told he is quite skilled at it.”

Loki nodded once, grinning broadly.

The non-Asgardians in the room looked at one another with varying degrees of confusion until Tony yelled, “I get it!”

“What?” Clint said. “Enlighten us.”

“The Allspeak really is glitching,” Tony said, starting to laugh. “It’s confusing lie and lay! I mean, it’s a confusing grammatical thing anyway, but it’s just got it completely wrong!”

“Wait, what does ‘lie’ mean?” Thor asked.

“Saying something that isn’t true,” Natasha explained.

“Oh! No, we would not put upon my brother the burden of such an onerous title,” Thor said. “I thought the term for that was falsehood.”

“It’s another word for it, yeah, but it’s not as common as lie,” Bruce said.

“Are you telling me Loki is the god of—” Steve said, looking horrified as realization arrived.

“Of lays!” Tony said, laughing so hard he fell off the barstool.

“Ah, yes, that is how your kind phrases it,” Thor said, nodding.

Natasha gave Loki an appraising look then turned back to Steve and said, “It does kind of explain a lot.”