bookishwench | Fic: The Internet Is Fun!

I don't normally do this, but I'm reposting a copy of the multi-part drabble set I did last week for

open_on_sunday so I'll be able to have it all in one place. Feel free to skip if you want. Spike and Angel are at it again in the virtual corridors of W&H.

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Guess who just got a company email address? It’s amazing what Harmony will for me do if I offer her a little chocolate in creative ways. I’m sure you can get the stains off the Jaguar’s upholstery.

Anyway, I can now be summoned via the ‘net for any necessary rescuing of the earth, or of buxom maidens in general, the maiden part being entirely optional. Also, there’s an amazing variety of porn on the Internet. I don’t suppose you’re aware of that, though, but the attachment should educate you a bit.

With no affection whatsoever,

Spike

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

Do not email me again, ever. There is no circumstance I can conceive of when I would call on you for help, with the possible exception of needing a guinea pig to test whether vampires can survive an atomic blast at ground zero.

Also, that attachment had a virus attached that has deleted every file on my computer. I’d assume it was your stupidity, but the fact that my screensaver is now a scrolling marquee that says “Barry Manilow is one sexy sod” in flaming pink. I doubt this is a coincidence.

With great loathing,

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

I’m sorry my pictures of blond beauties had a virus attached! Really. I’d no idea anything was amiss. I’m new to the Internet. Haven’t a clue what I’m doing. It’s not like I got bored last year and conned Andrew into explaining it all in detail.

For example, I’d never be able to tell your password was kathyisguilt1. Nor could I use that password to email the entire company a picture I took of you when I lacked a body but could use a camera. See you had that mole removed.

Apologetically,

Spike

P.S. Who’s Kathy?

To: WesWyndPry@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

The technical division pays more attention to you than they do me, and while I know Fred could fix this, I don’t think I could look her in the eye after the picture Spike emailed everyone earlier today. Is there any possible way to delete Spike’s account on the Wolfram & Hart system and keep him from using anyone else’s? Like, retina eye scans being required to log in or something? I don’t care about the cost. I’ll give up my pay for a year.

Hoping you will give the matter your full attention immediately,

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: WesWyndPry@w&h.com

I am terribly sorry, but I am afraid the entire technical division has refused to touch the problem. They’re all enjoying the situation too much to interfere. Also, Spike appears to be buying them beer using his W&H expense account, which on closer inspection is actually your expense account. I would threaten them with terminating their employment, but as they are Skancha demons and prone to incinerating their enemies via telepathy, it would be ill-advised.

On a separate note, I have no idea what picture you are referring to. I haven’t received anything from Spike.

Wesley

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Greenisdivine@w&h.com

I had no idea you had such a cute tush! Granted, I didn’t think I’d ever get a picture of it splashed across my computer screen courtesy of Spike. I’m not the only one admiring the view, either. I visited the accounting division today, and every one of them has a new desktop wallpaper, if you catch my drift.

Just possibly your progeny might be getting a hair out of control, Angel-buns (no pun intended, though my subconscious is an entirely different matter). Maybe you should give him something to occupy his time?

Highly impressed,

Lorne

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: WesWyndPry@w&h.com

I have found the picture you mentioned. I somehow missed it earlier, which is a shame as I might have been able to do a mystical system delete that could have obliterated it before anyone had seen it. Dreadfully sorry about that. I feel just awful.

Wesley

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Chaostheorycutie@w&h.com

Um, sorry about the picture. I’d talk to Spike about toning down his pranks, but maybe Wesley is the person to go to. They seem to be getting along really well. I saw him and Spike laughing like crazy together in the cafeteria earlier.

Fred

To: Sparklyunikorns@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

It’s come to my attention you are the one responsible for giving Spike the password to the computer system, which has caused me major embarrassment. I don’t care what he does with chocolate, or Weetabix, or hell, even Spam, you are not to permit him access to anything else that could cause trouble or else you’ll be terminated, and I don’t just mean fired.

Also, the Jaguar is off limits. Period.

Bring me some otter’s blood and the folder on the demons arriving from the dimension with all the x’s in the name.

Your boss,

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Sparklyunikorns@w&h.com

OMG angle! ur 2 tense. so spiky emailed a pic of your butt to the whole company. itz no xcus to get all mean n stuf. 1 day ull loook back and rofl about this cuz itz funny. neway if u fire me u wont get ne1 who can make blud like i can. ttyl

harmony

To: Sparklyunikorns@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

What the hell did you say?

Angel (not angle)

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Sparklyunikorns@w&h.com

ur so rud. bluds on ur desk, folders on ur chair. will be afk sinz spiky is takin me out 4 lunch.

harmony

To: Chaostheorycutie@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

Have you seen Spike in the last three hours? His absense is starting worrying me. It’s too quiet. Also, I have reason to believe someone has stolen Harmony’s shift key, so keep an eye out for keyboard vandals.

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Chaostheorycutie@w&h.com

Sorry, I haven’t seen Spike since he left with Harmony a few hours ago. Have you tried the supply closet? He, um, hangs out in there with her sometimes. I’d knock first, though.

I’ll let you know if anything suspicious starts happening. You know, other than the suspicious stuff that’s always happening.

Fred

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Just so you know, the supply closet on the third floor has truly shoddy shelf structure. Might want to look into that before some poor sod gets beaned with a box of carbon paper circa 1984. I wouldn’t want anyone’s injury on my conscience.

I hope you’re having a wonderful day, Peaches. Somehow, I just feel like using that old nickname for you again. Can’t figure what would have brought to mind that particular fruit when I’m thinking about you just now. Ah well.

Helpfully yours,

Spike

P.S. I still want to know who Kathy is.

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

What do you want, Spike?

Your sire,

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Can I have a pony? Better yet, can I have the keys to your Mustang? Oh, and the 1956 blue and white Caddy?

Also, Dru’s my sire, not you, you twit.

Spike

P.S. Who the hell is Kathy?

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

The last time you drove one of my cars, it wound up in the Pacific. No.

I’ll give you a key to the executive washroom and an unlimited supply of otter’s blood in exchange for your behaving for the two weeks.

Angel

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Add a standing order Harm can take off whenever she likes and we’ve got a deal. As long as you tell me who Kathy is.

Your grandchilde,

Spike

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

Kathy was my kid sister. I killed her.

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Sorry, mate. Won’t mention it again.

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

Appreciated. Now get out.

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

Care to snag a cold one?

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

With you? No.

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: Notapoof@w&h.com

C’mon. Get out a bit. I’ll behave… unless you’d rather I didn’t.

To: Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Angelisboss@w&h.com

9:30.

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com, Chaostheorycutie@w&h.com, Greenisdivine@w&h.com, WesWyndPry@w&h.com, Notapoof@w&h.com
From: Gunnwith2ns@w&h.com

I get in from a day of trying to get guilty, murderous demons off from completely deserved sentences, and doing it damn well, which scares me more than a little, and I come in to find Angel’s butt plastered across my computer screen.

Guess y’all do understand the concept of what’s funny. Made my day.

However, let it be known if pictures of my behind ever show up on the Internet, I will do you severe bodily harm. I still have that hubcap ax.

Lookin’ at a bunch of crazy people,

Gunn

To: Angelisboss@w&h.com
From: WatcherisEngland@watcherscouncil.com

I must admit I am perplexed by the email I received from you today, Angel. When I saw it was marked “Highly important: Open immediately,” I obviously did so. Why did you send me that photograph? Poor Andrew glanced at the screen and has had nervous hiccups for the last two hours.

On the up side, I have given the slayers in training a highly accurate new target to hang on their dart boards for crossbow practice, so some good has come of it.

Requesting you refrain from contacting me unless doomsday approaches again,

R. Giles