Fic: Janice's Morning (The Muppet Show)
Jan. 2nd, 2021 02:34 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookishwenchNo copyright infringement is intended and no profit is made. Written for Elfwreck for Yuletide Madness 2020.
Janice's Morning
At exactly 7:23 a.m. (at the insistence of her astrologer friend Freesia), Janice’s alarm went off, playing the soothing sounds of humpback whales until she groaned and slapped the clock. She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the warm, bright sunlight of another California day, then let her eyelids drop again, where they would remain for the rest of the day. Her stomach growled, and she stumbled out of bed and into her kitchenette, a bowl of quinoa-laced oatmeal calling her name. For a little extra oomph, she added a handful of cloudberries. She wasn’t sure what their nutritional value was, but the name always made her smile, and that had to be positive for her aura.
Still a little bleary, she sipped a glass of iced tea and stared at her phone, checking her messages. Floyd had texted her around three o’clock. He’d taken up the rather weird habit of texting in his sleep, and this one, “Chicken alpaca lemons 47 wheeeee” was about typical. She saved it, adding it to all the others, wondering if she should try to turn all the disjointed thoughts into lyrics or maybe just forward them to Gonzo and let him come up with a new act involving him jumping 47 chicken and alpacas while eating lemons on his motorcycle and yelling “Whee!” at the top of his lungs. After some thought, she decided if she were a chicken or an alpaca, or possibly even a motorcycle, she probably wouldn’t like that very much, so lyrics it was.
The sound of the surf was particularly mellow this morning, and Janice wandered out her backdoor to watch the sunrise. A few seagulls were circling overhead, and the pretty colors of the clouds made her smile. She just had a feeling it was going to be a nice day.
Abruptly, a loud wolf whistle followed by a chorus of “Hubba hubba!” broke the morning tranquility. She frowned as she turned her head to see three college boys, obviously at the tail end of a night of partying, stumbling down the beach about a hundred or so yards away. Janice glanced down, totally unphased.
“Oh, right,” she muttered to herself. “Clothes. Forgot again.”
She went back inside and threw on her favorite tie-dyed dress, brushed her hair and teeth, then checked the time. It was almost 8:15, and Animal was set to stop by soon. Whatever other faults he might have, he was always punctual. Exactly why he had wanted to try meditation she had no idea, but she wasn’t about to question it. If she could help, she would. It was good karma.
The doorbell rang at 8:30 exactly, and Janice smiled breezily as she opened the door to find Animal standing on the front porch and holding two large cups out to her.
“Juice,” he said. “Orange. Fresh. No straws. Straws bad!”
“Good morning,” Janice said, taking one of the cups. “Thank you, this looks delicious!”
“Welcome,” he said slowly, following her inside.
“Okay, so I thought we’d start with a little centering meditation, and then work with breathing,” Janice said.
Animal blinked a couple times, then said, “Okay.” It was obvious he had no idea what any of that meant.
“It will make you feel calm and happy once you get used to it,” Janice said, sitting cross-legged on the living room floor and patting a spot across from her for Animal to sit as well.
Animal awkwardly sat down, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate and he wound up looking like a very uncomfortable pretzel. Janice had actually seen one of those in the Swedish Chef’s kitchen once. She thought he’d been named Louie, but it might have been Lenny. Hopefully that chiropractor she’d recommended had helped him. You don’t often find a doctor willing to give adjustments to baked goods.
“It’s okay just to sit normally for now. Be relaxed,” Janice said.
“’kay,” Animal said, assuming a less tortured position.
“Good, now just take a few seconds to close your eyes and think and let your mind be peaceful,” Janice said.
He closed his eyes, then almost immediately partially opened one and said suspiciously, “No tickle?”
“No, I won’t tickle you,” Janice said. “I promise.”
“Good,” Animal said, closing his eyes again. This time he lasted all of ten seconds before he said, “Think what?”
“Oh, umm, birds flying?” Janice said.
“Dull,” Animal said dismissively.
“Rain pattering on your roof?” Janice tried.
“Too wet!”
“Snow gently falling?”
“Chilly!”
“Pretty flowers?”
“Sneeze!”
“I’m totally running out of ideas here, Animal. Music?”
He considered this for a moment, then smiled.
“Yeah! Music!”
“Groovy! Think of music that makes you feel happy,” Janice said, closing her eyes and thinking of “Comfortably Numb,” unconsciously bobbing her head slowly to the beat.
A few seconds later, Janice opened her eyes to check on him, only this time they shot all the way open. Animal was silently head-banging with his entire body, looking like a living jack hammer, one giant, pulsing, bouncing, orange and red ball of very non-mellow energy.
“Uh, Animal? What music are you thinking of?” Janice asked.
“Phil Collins drum solo ‘In the Air Tonight,’” he said, opening his eyes and grinning. “Good!”
“That’s not really what you’re supposed to—” she started to say, then stopped. “Do you feel happy?”
“Yeah!”
“Calm?”
“Yeah!”
“At peace?”
“Uh huh!”
“Then it works,” she said, deciding that what it was supposed to be wasn’t really all that important. “Good job.”
“Thank you,” Animal said, bowing a little. “Juice?”
“Sure, why not?” Janice said. For Animal, that had been a major step forward, and they deserved a little break.
They each got up and grabbed their cup, then went to sit on her back porch and watch the waves roll in as they drank their orange juice. Unfortunately, the hungover college boys were still there, making nuisances of themselves.
“Hey, for an old chick, you’re kinda hot!” one yelled at her.
“Yeah, but I liked your other wardrobe better!” another added.
Animal snorted, then looked at Janice.
“Mean boys?” he asked.
“Rude ones,” she said.
“Want make go away?” he asked.
“They kind of are running the mood,” she admitted. “They’re totally harshing my good vibes, y’know? It’s hard to be peaceful with them making animal noises at me.”
“I make Animal noises!” Animal said, setting his cup gingerly down then turning to face them.
What happened in the next thirty seconds is difficult to describe. Suffice it to say that afterwards the boys ran down the beach, shrieking like little girls, while Animal simply sat back down on Janice’s plastic sun lounger, picked up his orange juice, and went back to slurping.
“Thank you,” she said.
“No problem,” he said. “Friend?”
“Always friends, Animal,” she assured him. “It really is going to be a nice day.”
At exactly 7:23 a.m. (at the insistence of her astrologer friend Freesia), Janice’s alarm went off, playing the soothing sounds of humpback whales until she groaned and slapped the clock. She opened her eyes slowly, taking in the warm, bright sunlight of another California day, then let her eyelids drop again, where they would remain for the rest of the day. Her stomach growled, and she stumbled out of bed and into her kitchenette, a bowl of quinoa-laced oatmeal calling her name. For a little extra oomph, she added a handful of cloudberries. She wasn’t sure what their nutritional value was, but the name always made her smile, and that had to be positive for her aura.
Still a little bleary, she sipped a glass of iced tea and stared at her phone, checking her messages. Floyd had texted her around three o’clock. He’d taken up the rather weird habit of texting in his sleep, and this one, “Chicken alpaca lemons 47 wheeeee” was about typical. She saved it, adding it to all the others, wondering if she should try to turn all the disjointed thoughts into lyrics or maybe just forward them to Gonzo and let him come up with a new act involving him jumping 47 chicken and alpacas while eating lemons on his motorcycle and yelling “Whee!” at the top of his lungs. After some thought, she decided if she were a chicken or an alpaca, or possibly even a motorcycle, she probably wouldn’t like that very much, so lyrics it was.
The sound of the surf was particularly mellow this morning, and Janice wandered out her backdoor to watch the sunrise. A few seagulls were circling overhead, and the pretty colors of the clouds made her smile. She just had a feeling it was going to be a nice day.
Abruptly, a loud wolf whistle followed by a chorus of “Hubba hubba!” broke the morning tranquility. She frowned as she turned her head to see three college boys, obviously at the tail end of a night of partying, stumbling down the beach about a hundred or so yards away. Janice glanced down, totally unphased.
“Oh, right,” she muttered to herself. “Clothes. Forgot again.”
She went back inside and threw on her favorite tie-dyed dress, brushed her hair and teeth, then checked the time. It was almost 8:15, and Animal was set to stop by soon. Whatever other faults he might have, he was always punctual. Exactly why he had wanted to try meditation she had no idea, but she wasn’t about to question it. If she could help, she would. It was good karma.
The doorbell rang at 8:30 exactly, and Janice smiled breezily as she opened the door to find Animal standing on the front porch and holding two large cups out to her.
“Juice,” he said. “Orange. Fresh. No straws. Straws bad!”
“Good morning,” Janice said, taking one of the cups. “Thank you, this looks delicious!”
“Welcome,” he said slowly, following her inside.
“Okay, so I thought we’d start with a little centering meditation, and then work with breathing,” Janice said.
Animal blinked a couple times, then said, “Okay.” It was obvious he had no idea what any of that meant.
“It will make you feel calm and happy once you get used to it,” Janice said, sitting cross-legged on the living room floor and patting a spot across from her for Animal to sit as well.
Animal awkwardly sat down, but his legs wouldn’t cooperate and he wound up looking like a very uncomfortable pretzel. Janice had actually seen one of those in the Swedish Chef’s kitchen once. She thought he’d been named Louie, but it might have been Lenny. Hopefully that chiropractor she’d recommended had helped him. You don’t often find a doctor willing to give adjustments to baked goods.
“It’s okay just to sit normally for now. Be relaxed,” Janice said.
“’kay,” Animal said, assuming a less tortured position.
“Good, now just take a few seconds to close your eyes and think and let your mind be peaceful,” Janice said.
He closed his eyes, then almost immediately partially opened one and said suspiciously, “No tickle?”
“No, I won’t tickle you,” Janice said. “I promise.”
“Good,” Animal said, closing his eyes again. This time he lasted all of ten seconds before he said, “Think what?”
“Oh, umm, birds flying?” Janice said.
“Dull,” Animal said dismissively.
“Rain pattering on your roof?” Janice tried.
“Too wet!”
“Snow gently falling?”
“Chilly!”
“Pretty flowers?”
“Sneeze!”
“I’m totally running out of ideas here, Animal. Music?”
He considered this for a moment, then smiled.
“Yeah! Music!”
“Groovy! Think of music that makes you feel happy,” Janice said, closing her eyes and thinking of “Comfortably Numb,” unconsciously bobbing her head slowly to the beat.
A few seconds later, Janice opened her eyes to check on him, only this time they shot all the way open. Animal was silently head-banging with his entire body, looking like a living jack hammer, one giant, pulsing, bouncing, orange and red ball of very non-mellow energy.
“Uh, Animal? What music are you thinking of?” Janice asked.
“Phil Collins drum solo ‘In the Air Tonight,’” he said, opening his eyes and grinning. “Good!”
“That’s not really what you’re supposed to—” she started to say, then stopped. “Do you feel happy?”
“Yeah!”
“Calm?”
“Yeah!”
“At peace?”
“Uh huh!”
“Then it works,” she said, deciding that what it was supposed to be wasn’t really all that important. “Good job.”
“Thank you,” Animal said, bowing a little. “Juice?”
“Sure, why not?” Janice said. For Animal, that had been a major step forward, and they deserved a little break.
They each got up and grabbed their cup, then went to sit on her back porch and watch the waves roll in as they drank their orange juice. Unfortunately, the hungover college boys were still there, making nuisances of themselves.
“Hey, for an old chick, you’re kinda hot!” one yelled at her.
“Yeah, but I liked your other wardrobe better!” another added.
Animal snorted, then looked at Janice.
“Mean boys?” he asked.
“Rude ones,” she said.
“Want make go away?” he asked.
“They kind of are running the mood,” she admitted. “They’re totally harshing my good vibes, y’know? It’s hard to be peaceful with them making animal noises at me.”
“I make Animal noises!” Animal said, setting his cup gingerly down then turning to face them.
What happened in the next thirty seconds is difficult to describe. Suffice it to say that afterwards the boys ran down the beach, shrieking like little girls, while Animal simply sat back down on Janice’s plastic sun lounger, picked up his orange juice, and went back to slurping.
“Thank you,” she said.
“No problem,” he said. “Friend?”
“Always friends, Animal,” she assured him. “It really is going to be a nice day.”
