Fic: Movie Night (MCU) Chap. 9: Christmas in Connecticut

[bookishwench]

“Sweet bliss of the universe, this is the single most spectacular item of nourishment it has ever been my undivided pleasure to consume!”

“Thor, would you and the pizza like to be alone?” Clint asked, gaping as the man took all twelve slices of a large pizza, stacked them one atop the other, and proceed to bite through the entire pile in a single go.

Thor responded by moaning as his eyes rolled back.

“Congratulations, Steven,” Loki said, giving his brother a look of deepest embarrassment. “I do believe you’ve killed him.”

“If I am dead, then I am in Valhalla!” Thor said in a remarkably clear voice considering his mouth was crammed with pizza. “What sort of topping is this, friend Steve?”

“I think that was the sausage and onion,” Steve said, his expression a mixture of concern, disgust, and amusement. “Take it easy, buddy. There’s plenty more where that came from. Don’t choke.”

“Yeah, I don’t know if any of us is capable of getting our arms around you to do the Heimlich maneuver,” Tony said.

When Bucky and Steve had arrived, they had been carrying so many pizzas they looked like two wobbling pillars of boxes on legs. Not sure what to get, they had stopped at their favorite pizzeria and bought three of everything in the largest size possible. Natasha and Bruce had raised nearly identical eyebrows at the sheer number of pies, but once they were laid out on the kitchen counter, it became obvious Bucky and Steve had been pretty accurate in their estimate.

“Wow,” Peter said quietly as he surveyed the desolated expanse of boxes littering Tony’s home theatre. “Is anything left?”

“Two slices of pepperoni, one of pineapple and ham, and something I can’t identify,” Pepper said.

“That would be the cheeseburger supreme,” Clint said, grabbing the slice, folding it, and shoving it in his mouth with an expression that nearly matched Thor’s. “New York might have its weak spots, but pizza is not one of them. Spectacular.”

Bucky nodded in agreement as he picked up his own slice of barbeque chicken pizza and continued tearing into it with his teeth.

“In the list of things New York is best at, pizza gets the top spot,” Tony said.

“Followed by bagels,” Bruce said.

“And live musicals,” Peter added.

“And New Year’s parties,” Pepper said, dabbing at a spot of tomato sauce on her sweater.

“Bruce, can you pass one of the pepperoni slices this way,” Nick Fury said, sprawling contentedly over a couch. “Damn, that’s good.”

“Sure you don’t want the pineapple and ham?” Natasha said, smiling in way that said she knew she was causing trouble.

“Some people are Baptists, some Catholics, some Lutherans,” Nick said, sitting up straighter. “My one true religion is that it’s a crime to put pineapple on a pizza, so get that thing behind me and fork over the pepperoni, Nat.”

She smirked and handed him the box. He took one of the remaining pieces and smiled as he bit into it.

“Amen,” he said.

“I’ll take the pineapple and ham,” Loki said. “I haven’t tried that one yet.”

“You would,” Nick said.

“Apparently I’m a blasphemer too because I kind of like pineapple on pizza,” Bruce said.

“Dibs,” Loki said, snatching the last slice.

“Brother, it is not wise to anger this one,” Thor said, rubbing his own stomach contentedly.

“For this, I’ll risk it,” Loki said, grinning as he bit into it. “Steven, James, you have done well, and I do not offer compliments lightly.”

“That is a lie,” Thor said, “but in this case I believe you are in earnest in your praise.”

“Actually, he lied about not having the pineapple and ham before, too,” Peter said, putting his glass of Dr. Pepper back on its coaster.

“Caught that, did you?” Loki said, nodding approvingly. “Clever lad.”

“Why lie about pizza?” Clint asked.

“Practice,” he said simply, taking another bite.

Nick had been fixing him with a stern look and silently shook his head, chewing his pepperoni with a suspicious air.

“Oh, don’t look so gloomy,” Loki said, shooting him a canned smile. “This film bears out exactly what a crucial and useful skill lying is. You’ve never told an untruth, Nicholas?”

“I have,” he said, “and I am aware of the consequences of lying, both internal and external. It twists the liar into knots until he doesn’t know the truth from the net he’s created, and it poisons everybody who hears them, like a noxious gas. The only time it’s worth it to lie is when the lie is absolutely necessary. Otherwise, it’ll bite you in the ass. Hard.”

Tony rolled his eyes at precisely the same time Loki did.

“Thank you for that moving sermon,” Loki said. “Granted, coming from you, it seems a tad hypocritical.”

“Maybe,” Nick said. “Then again, maybe it’s hypocritical of me to be sitting here eating pizza with the guy who was nearly responsible for a direct nuclear strike on this city.”

“So why are you?” he asked, glaring.

“Maybe because the pizza’s worth it,” he said, finishing the last bite of crust.

“Furious Nicholas,” Thor said with great dignity, “we have no wish to cause turmoil. If our presence causes you grief, we shall leave.”

“No, we shan’t,” Loki said, looking between the two of them.

“Yes, we shall, brother,” Thor said, turning towards him. “I will not stay where my brother is unwanted, nor would I remain where I cause a dearth of peace in this world’s peaceful season.”

“Okay, if you can stop sounding like a cross between Lord of the Rings and one of Shakespeare’s more boring plays, hold up, Blondie,” Tony said. “This is my place, I invited everybody, and if anyone is going to get chucked out for causing a dearth, I’ll do the chucking. You stay, Nick stays, your weirdo brother stays, and all is calm and bright, capisce?”

Thor nodded. Nick waved his hand to suggest he wouldn’t pursue it any further, and Loki folded his arms and looked sullen, but remained silent.

“Good,” Tony said, “and now I’m taking the last piece of pepperoni pizza because I’m petty like that.”

“Okay, but he does have a point,” Bruce said. “This whole movie is based on the idea Elizabeth lies to her editor and her readers by pretending to be a first-rate cook living on a picturesque farm with her husband and baby when in fact she lives alone in an apartment and can’t boil water and gets all her recipes from her uncle. She does lie, kind of a lot, to, like, everybody.”

Loki kept his mouth firmly shut, but pointed at Bruce, making a gesture that suggested that had been his point.

“The guy’s got issues though, too,” Steve said. “He falls head over heels for someone he thinks is a married woman and nearly tries to run off with her. Not that she isn’t trying to get him to do exactly that.”

Loki pointed at Steve this time, nodding vigorously in agreement.

“Okay, and was I the only one who felt bad for the guy who owned the house and proposed to her so she could save her job?” Pepper said. “He was kind of boring, but all things considered, that’s not the worst crime in the world.”

“I liked it,” Peter said, shrugging as he downed the rest of his Dr. Pepper.

Everyone turned a concerned glance at him.

“It was still kind of fun,” Natasha said. “Everyone winds up happy, more or less.”

“I kind of hope Uncle Felix sweeps Nora the maid off her feet eventually,” Clint said, folding his paper plate in half and trying to make a basket in the garbage can, pumping the air when he managed it.

“Who picked this one?” Tony asked.

Bucky raised his hand.

“Okay, you were comatose when this came out or being reprogrammed by HYDRA or something, so why?” Tony asked.

“I always thought Barbara Stanwyk was kind of hot,” Bucky said.

“Good enough reason,” Tony said. “Not really seeing it, but it’s probably that eyebrow thing again.”

“What’s the most awkward lie you ever got caught in?” Bruce asked, eyes twinkling.

“You first,” Natasha said, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“I told my phys ed teacher I was violently afraid of heights,” he said. “I just didn’t want to climb the stupid rope and ring the bell.”

“They still do that?” Tony asked.

“They did twenty years ago,” Bruce said. “Anyway, he really wasn’t happy when he caught me testing a physics experiment by throwing a paper airplane off the school’s roof while hanging from a gutter one-handed. I ran so many laps my knees still hurt.”

“You are a fiend,” Tony deadpanned. “I conned my way into a bar when I was seventeen by pretending to be a movie star. Everything was going great until Robert Downy Jr. actually showed up at the same bar.”

“I lied on my enlistment attempts,” Steve said.

“Everybody knows that,” Clint said.

“Yeah, but I’m pretty sure it’s still a felony,” Steve said.

“Okay, you’re horrible, you patriotic fibber,” Clint said. “When I was about nine, I was doing target shooting in the backyard, and right when I was about to let the arrow fly, a squirrel ran up my leg.”

“How Griswoldian,” Tony said.

“Yep. Anyway, the arrow went right through the attic window in my parents’ house, shattered the whole thing. I tried to convince them it was a freak hailstone. The arrow laying on the floor upstairs was a pretty big giveaway,” Clint said.

“I once lied about how many adversaries I had slain in battle,” Thor said. “Later, I found Heimdall had counted them and gave the true number to my father.”

“Uh-oh, bet Pops wasn’t happy about that one,” Nick said.

“No, actually he was pleased,” Thor said. “I had claimed to kill forty-nine when in reality it was seventy-three.”

“You deflated your numbers instead of inflating them?” Bruce asked. “Why?”

“It was Volstagg’s birthday and I wished him to have the greater glory for once,” Thor said.

“Nice of you,” Bucky said, thumping him on the arm.

Loki rolled his eyes and remained silent.

“When I was in high school, I told my grandad I was going to a Yankees game once when I was really just hanging around with some of the local troublemakers,” Nick said. “They were planning on shoplifting some beer out of the corner party store, but grandad came down the street, hollering at the top of his lungs at me to get back in the house before he got the hickory switch. The worst part of it was he kept calling me ‘baby Nicky” in front of all those tough guys. After that, the whole neighborhood thought I was about as cool as Pee Wee Herman, and I do not mean that in a good way.”

“I ate a whole package of Oreos once and threw up on Aunt May’s couch,” Peter said.

Everyone looked at Peter.

“Okay, how is that a lie?” Tony asked.

“Technically it’s not, but it was awkward,” he said shrugging. “Do I get half credit?”

Tony buried his face in his hands, shaking his head while muttering, “This child is going to be eaten alive, possibly literally.”

“Tony knows this one since he’s the one who caught it,” Pepper said, obviously trying to deflect attention away from Peter. “I lied on the resume I submitted to Stark Industries.”

“That’s right, you did,” he said, nodding. “Geez, I nearly forgot about that.”

“What’d you say?” Bruce asked.

“I claimed I had an extra degree in psychology on top of everything else,” Pepper said, wincing. “It was incredibly stupid, and I don’t know why I did it, but I guess I thought it would make my resume stand out more.”

“So, how did Tony catch you?” Clint said, leaning forward.

“He knew the dean of the psychology department from my university,” Pepper said.

“In the biblical sense, actually,” Tony said. “I was dating her literally at the same time Pepper submitted the resume. She’d never heard of Pepper.”

“Why didn’t her resume get thrown in the old circular file?” Bruce asked.

“Tony said everything else on it was way too perfect and he was thrilled to find one thing that wasn’t,” she said. “It sealed the deal.”

“A decision I have never regretted,” he said. “Nat, any weird spy-related lies that led to awkward stuff going down?”

“Many,” Natasha said. “One was that I knew how to skydive.”

“And you didn’t?”

“Not yet,” she said. “They threw me out of a plane. In that case, you either learn really fast or turn into goo. Thankfully I’m a quick study, but it was touch and go there for one very long minute.”

“That’s actually pretty terrifying,” Steve said.

“Says the guy who thinks parachutes are optional,” Bucky said, raising an eyebrow at him. “Promise me you’re not doing that again.”

“I already promised five times,” Steve said.

“Well, considering you’re Captain America, I guess I can take your word for it,” Bucky said.

“Okay, so that leaves the psychopath,” Tony said.

“High functioning sociopath,” Loki said without missing a beat. “I am not sure my experiences with the awkward outcomes of my more colorful lies are quite fit for this audience.”

He gave a significant look at Peter, who was currently collecting paper plates and putting them in the trash.

“Okay, good move, but there has to be at least one that’s PG-13 or below,” Tony said.

Loki thought hard for a moment, then said, “We once had an ambassador from Alfheim in attendance for a state visit. He was one of the most pompous, self-important, egotistical narcissists I have ever encountered, and yes, Tony, that includes myself.”

Even Nick snorted in laughter.

“In addition, he had also made the error of being rude to someone who was at that point a good friend of mine, the Lady Sif, informing her that she should lay aside her armor and trade it for a ballgown, with a heavy implication that he would also enjoy getting her out of it, with or without her consent,” Loki said.

“I don’t see that ending well,” Natasha said.

“It didn’t. I informed him all the most high-ranking and important foreign dignitaries were to attend a reception that evening. As the scent of horse was still strong upon him from an earlier ride, I generously invited him to use the royal bath to refresh himself, promising no one would bother him,” Loki said.

“What did you put in the water?” Clint asked.

“Nothing, though that’s a good guess.”

“You locked him in?” Tony guessed

“No, nothing so pedestrian.”

“You stole his clothes,” Pepper said.

“You’re halfway there. I did indeed steal his clothes, but I couldn’t leave the poor dear wandering about the palace in naught but his skin.”

“What did you do?” Natasha said, giving him a disapproving grin.

“I left him clothes, specifically a nightmarishly garish magenta and chartreuse taffeta gown dripping in bronze fringe with a ten-foot train of the very finest purple lace and marabou feathers,” Loki said.

“What, no hoopskirt?” Clint asked while near choking on his laughter.

“Oh, nothing so modest. It stopped at mid-thigh and had a plunging neckline that left little to the imagination,” Loki said.

Peter was literally rolling on the floor at this point, and Steve was starting to rub tears out of his eyes from laughing so hard.

“Added to that, the minute he put it on, it adhered to his skin for a full twenty-four hours and would repel any attempt to cover it,” Loki said. “Oh, the sheer volume of the swearing echoing down the hallway when he realized his only options were his new gown or going naked to the absolutely required reception on which hinged continued peace with Asgard! It was a near thing, but eventually he chose the dress. Father’s face…”

Loki finally cracked and started laughing with the rest of them, even Nick.

“Do I even want to know what happened when they caught you?” Bruce asked when he finally had enough breath.

“Who can remember that long ago?” Loki said evasively.

“Loki,” Thor said, “that was only ten years ago.”

“Time is relative,” he said airily.

“Anyway, I liked the movie, though the idea of a fake proto-Martha Stewart winding up in the slammer for sleigh theft isn’t exactly the thing that pops immediately to mind when I think of Christmas,” Pepper said, then stopped. “Actually, minus the sleigh, that’s fairly accurate now that I think of it.”

“Except Martha really can cook,” Tony said. “Anyway, fun movie, fabulous pizza, plenty of blackmail material gathered, and enough empty pizza boxes to fill an entire dumpster. I see no bad here.”

“Okay,” Nick said, glancing over at Loki, “I’m not saying I like you, but anyone that creatively vengeful is at the very least useful.”

“A Christmas miracle,” Clint said in an overly soppy voice.

“The miracle would be if there were any pizza left,” Tony complained as they headed to the elevator.

Just before Thor and Loki disappeared into the Bifrost, Peter suddenly said, “Hey!” and realized he was holding one last slice of vegetarian pizza, somehow still piping hot.

Loki gave him a wink, then he and his brother were whisked away.